It is the end of October and going on the fourth month of being stalked.
I can barely sleep.
It’s a huge, exhausting process when you have to learn something new quickly. But quickly I did. I went to Godaddy.com and bought my name. I built up my online profiles. It felt like a race to see who – me or my stalker – would get ahead. I felt desperate.
My stalker had the same idea: taking my name and creating a WordPress blog just days before I could. They decided to take everything they wrote on the Cheater sites and combine them into a WordPress site knowing that blogs hosted there are very hard to take down, unless you have a team of lawyers on your side. The wealthy are able to pay cyber lawyers to get the sites taken down, but if you are a normal person with normal means, they barely notice your letters and point you towards their freedom of speech clause.
Now I am jaded. I can’t have that demeaning blog taken down unless I completely learn the law or get more money to afford a lawyer.
My stalker was getting more aggressive and is starting to use more platforms.
Weeks mesh together like a blur of days. I am up late fighting the stalker’s moves and back at it as the sun rises.
The damage happens so quickly, so intently, and the reversal process is so complicated and emotionally draining.
My body starts to fail me from the lack of sleep, the pressure of fending off a stalker who is now taking up as much time as my paid job. I am trying to learn anything I can about SEO and how “cyberland” works.
I keep thinking that if I learn what is needed or how it all works, I have a chance to make it stop.
I want this plague to stop. That’s how it feels, like a plague; that my stalker is a disease spreading through my body and life.
People start to see its effects. Some begin to push away from me because they don’t want to be impacted and think they can catch my disease, that my stalker will turn on them. Others push forward, wanting to be part of the battle. But most don’t know what to do to help. My family is devastated because I am an emotional wreck.
Most will never know what it’s like to have a troll take, within minutes, everything that makes you what you are. This is what they do: spread lies and do anything to damage you and your character, all safe in their anonymity.
We spend our lives trying to take the right steps, work hard, succeed at what we’re good at. We are told to build online profiles so they will help us with the next job, the next step in our lives. We trust our profiles and everything we work toward is safe on the internet because what we write about what we’ve accomplished, what we think, who we are is safe. If I am honest, who can harm me?
And here is this stalker taking it away from me, piece by piece, making people look twice, second guess and wonder who I am exactly. Some of my friends don’t want to me around me and a member of my family wants nothing to do with me afraid the impact might transfer over to them. I feel so alone!
This is my plague. One I was being forced to live with and learn from.
Then all of a sudden their voice changes from being someone I cheated on to being someone close to Chris.
An email appears from a service called ghostmail.com. You can send an email anonymously and the email will only stay in your account for a selected amount of time before it disappears. It is like Snapchat for emails.
We still don’t know who is behind this online plague or what is motivating them. But we finally get a clue. It’s an ultimatum. Their focus changes from me cheating on them to them being a friend of Chris’s and hating me.
I dread having to phone Chris and tell him about the email that tells me I must stop seeing the man I have come to love.
“Move on,” it tells me. But I can’t. I won’t.
Chris is already grappling with the knowledge this might have nothing to do with me, but, in fact, is someone he knows. And that person is trying to hurt me so he will be hurt in return.
He has his own emotional struggle with all this; he can’t believe in the possibility that someone he knows would do this to him through me.
I refuse to accept their ultimatum. I love Chris and I will not break up with him, even if that means I am scared and hurting every day.
Days after this email comes I fly to Denver to see Chris. I will never forget this moment since it is the first time I see that they way he looks at me has changed. He does not doubt me anymore and he finally knows I was am not the women in those posts who would cheat and hurt him.
We are both broken.