The Ultimatum (4)
It is the end of October and going on the fourth month of being stalked.
I can barely sleep.
It’s a huge, exhausting process when you have to learn something new quickly. But quickly I did. I went to Godaddy.com and bought my name. I built up my online profiles. It felt like a race to see who – me or my stalker – would get ahead. I felt desperate.
My stalker had the same idea: taking my name and creating a WordPress blog just days before I could. They decided to take everything they wrote on the Cheater sites and combine them into a WordPress site knowing that blogs hosted there are very hard to take down, unless you have a team of lawyers on your side. The wealthy are able to pay cyber lawyers to get the sites taken down, but if you are a normal person with normal means, they barely notice your letters and point you towards their freedom of speech clause.
Now I am jaded. I can’t have that demeaning blog taken down unless I completely learn the law or get more money to afford a lawyer.
My stalker was getting more aggressive and is starting to use more platforms.
Weeks mesh together like a blur of days. I am up late fighting the stalker’s moves and back at it as the sun rises.
The damage happens so quickly, so intently, and the reversal process is so complicated and emotionally draining.
My body starts to fail me from the lack of sleep, the pressure of fending off a stalker who is now taking up as much time as my paid job. I am trying to learn anything I can about SEO and how “cyberland” works.
I keep thinking that if I learn what is needed or how it all works, I have a chance to make it stop.
I want this plague to stop. That’s how it feels, like a plague; that my stalker is a disease spreading through my body and life.
People start to see its effects. Some begin to push away from me because they don’t want to be impacted and think they can catch my disease, that my stalker will turn on them. Others push forward, wanting to be part of the battle. But most don’t know what to do to help. My family is devastated because I am an emotional wreck.
Most will never know what it’s like to have a troll take, within minutes, everything that makes you what you are. This is what they do: spread lies and do anything to damage you and your character, all safe in their anonymity.
We spend our lives trying to take the right steps, work hard, succeed at what we’re good at. We are told to build online profiles so they will help us with the next job, the next step in our lives. We trust our profiles and everything we work toward is safe on the internet because what we write about what we’ve accomplished, what we think, who we are is safe. If I am honest, who can harm me?
And here is this stalker taking it away from me, piece by piece, making people look twice, second guess and wonder who I am exactly. Some of my friends don’t want to me around me and a member of my family wants nothing to do with me afraid the impact might transfer over to them. I feel so alone!
This is my plague. One I was being forced to live with and learn from.
Then all of a sudden their voice changes from being someone I cheated on to being someone close to Chris.
An email appears from a service called ghostmail.com. You can send an email anonymously and the email will only stay in your account for a selected amount of time before it disappears. It is like Snapchat for emails.
We still don’t know who is behind this online plague or what is motivating them. But we finally get a clue. It’s an ultimatum. Their focus changes from me cheating on them to them being a friend of Chris’s and hating me.
I dread having to phone Chris and tell him about the email that tells me I must stop seeing the man I have come to love.
“Move on,” it tells me. But I can’t. I won’t.
Chris is already grappling with the knowledge this might have nothing to do with me, but, in fact, is someone he knows. And that person is trying to hurt me so he will be hurt in return.
He has his own emotional struggle with all this; he can’t believe in the possibility that someone he knows would do this to him through me.
I refuse to accept their ultimatum. I love Chris and I will not break up with him, even if that means I am scared and hurting every day.
Days after this email comes I fly to Denver to see Chris. I will never forget this moment since it is the first time I see that they way he looks at me has changed. He does not doubt me anymore and he finally knows I was am not the women in those posts who would cheat and hurt him.
We are both broken.
None of this is your fault, Amanda. Nor is it Chris’s fault, either.
The shitbag behind the other keyboard is to blame, 100℅ … please nerve forget that.
We all care about you and are behind you both. In fact, screw being “behind” anyone. We will always stand next to you or even out in front if that is possible.
I’d gladly draw fire in this fight, if enough of us did that could this jizz pigeon keep up with us all and all the fake domains he or she would have to register to try and smear every one of us?
Hugs and camaraderie,
– dev
Thank you Dev! You made both of us cry with your comment. We are so lucky to have you as our family and we will always be by your side as well! Meeting Chris gave me the best extended family a girl could ask for! xo
God I hope this shitbag dies a slow and painful death.
You guys are an awesome, selfless and amazing couple. We love you both more than either of you will ever know.
Onlychick and I are both so you came into our lives, and look forward to sharing adventures with the both of you.
Much Love and Respect. Keep up the fight.
Anch
so *GLAD* I guess I can’t type today haha..
Love you too Anch. Thank you for all the support.
This is a terrible story. I’m angry that someone would do this, not only to you, but because of someone else. The person(s) behind this are the lowest of cowards.
We love you two fiercely! Anything that is in our power to do, consider it done. I’m not afraid of standing with you, far from it. You guys have an army with you. If we all stand together, we will find this monster. Stay strong and never hesitate to call on us for ANYTHING!
All my love. <3 Mel
Love you too Onlychick. The best thing is I got all of you from having Chris. Xo
For what it’s worth, as someone who calls himself Chris’ friend – I’ve watch you two forge a bond stronger than anything I’ve seen before.
Know that there are some friends who care dearly for you and Chris, and are hurting to see this. On a different note – wow, you are one of the toughest people I’ve known (and you can check my creds with Chris 😉 ).
Thank you Ian. Having friends like you give me the strength.
You’ve got full support from over here in the UK. Hope you can track them down, the more they spread the more chance of them messing up and leaving clues.
Keep fighting back, don’t let the idiots win.
Thank you so much. Even by posting my story I feel like I have my power back and they cant take it anymore. I am so thankful for everyone’s support.
I am moved beyond words by your courage and honesty. These attacks are sickening. You did nothing to deserve this. Nobody deserves to go through this hell. While I cannot hunt that troll down I can stand by you with my full support. Ugly words do not change the fact that you are a beautiful person and I am very lucky to know you. We all are.
Thank you so much Cheryl! xo
Amanda- this is so awful. The level of awful is hard to fathom outside a physco-thriller novel and it is your real life story. I’m in awe of your survival, your resilience, and your vulnerability to bring light to this dark place. May your healing be complete and your freedom glorious!
Thank you Amber. I love your line:May your healing be complete and your freedom glorious!
You and Chris are two of the strongest people I know. Having this constantly hanging over your head, yet never giving up, never letting up and continuing to strengthen the bond you two have.
I’m with Anch, I hope this shitbag dies a slow and painful death, I’ve got some good ideas if anyone needs one!
Exposing your online stalking has helped other friends of mine feel more secure in knowing that they are not alone, that this could happen to anyone. The courage it must have taken is not one that I will ever know.
Much love to you both!
– Bert
Thank you so much. I am so happy that it has helped others. I know how alone I felt when it started.
This sounds terrible, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this asshole. That being said, I have met more than a few in the industry who are not quite all there. If this isn’t a ruse, I am not surprised that Chris has encountered/worked with someone who wants to do this. Best of luck!
Thank you for reading my blog. I sincerely appreciate it.
Wow! I had no idea that someone sent something like this to you. All that you’ve told me in person capped off by this just made my stomach lurch. I hope whoever it is finally gets what’s coming to them.
-jude
Thank you Judy. xo